Charlotte Rose was  truly a gift from God.  She was proof that miracles do happen.  After tests concluded that I was unable to conceive a child, to our surprise she made herself known a meer 1 month after the fact.  My doctor was speechless that I became pregnant so quickly let alone at all! 

It was a rough start though.  As excited as we were I had developed a blood clot in my right leg causing 2 near fatal pulmonary embolisms.  Although I nearly died from that, Charlotte hung in there and kept growing, even with all the tests and medications that I had to take.  I thought for sure Charlotte would be harmed let alone not survive.  Yet she did, and was showing how tough she really was.  She amazed us all.

I felt her first kick when I was 4 1/2 months pregnant.  Some say that was too soon, but knowing Charlotte she let me know she was alive and kicking and didn't want me worrying about her. 

It wasn't until I was 22 weeks along that going to a routine prenatal visit that the sonogram technician noticed that the amniotic fluid was registering a bit low, and that the baby was a bit on the small side. Than in my 24th week my blood pressure hit a whopping 164/109.  This alarmed the nurse and she immediately advised the doctor.  The doctor did an ultrasound and noticed the baby in the 10th percentile of growth which was too small, so she made me go to the hospital for observation.  Charlotte was kicking away and playing feisty with the nurses who were trying to find her heartbeat to take the fetal stress test.  They gave up, but were satisfied with hearing her heart beat on several occasions.  I was ordered on bed rest, because when I was lying on my side, my blood pressure would stabilize.  I was released the next day, but needed to get steroid shots to help mature Charlotte's lungs quicker.  A red flag shot up.  This was the first time we realized the severity of the situation.

A week later my doctor again ordered me to the hospital for observation.  Charlotte was still too small, but had gained 1/4 lb. from the last visit.  Yet again my blood pressure would stabilize with bedrest.  I was sent home again under the orders to watch my blood pressure.  

Pain had developed in my abdomen and an awkward swelling causing me difficulty to breathe.  I was only going on 26 weeks.  I shouldn't have had that feeling so soon.  My blood pressure had been high all week and before my weekly appointment my husband called the on-call OB and he advised me to go to his office the following morning.  He ordered me back in the hospital and said that I may need to deliver Charlotte because she wouldn't survive in my womb much longer. Both of our lives were in danger at that point.

My regular OB met up with me as I was placed in the labor & delivery room to prep us for the bad news.  It was April 25th, 2005 and I needed to deliver Charlotte by emergency c-section 14 weeks prematurely.  It was also decided she needed to be transfered to another hospital on the other side of town due to the fact that the NICU in that particular hospital only handled preemies 3 lbs and up.  I didn't want to deliver Charlotte in the other hospital because the doctors didn't know my history, in which I could've been in extreme jeopardy and not survive my illness.  What a heartache!!!!  I panicked and began to cry.  My poor baby...what had I done to her?  Why was my body so ill?  She didn't deserve this.  I prayed to God for mercy and to watch over Charlotte.

I had to be put under general anesthesia because I was on blood thinners, and a spinal was out of the question due to the high risk of permanent paralysis.  Brad was not allowed in the OR, which saddened me more. The OB nurse told me Charlotte let out a loud scream that sounded like a cat.  That would've been my only chance to hear her voice...and I wasn't awake to do so.  Charlotte was immediately baptized by the nurse which I had requested just in case she didn't survive. She was stabilized, incubated and practically breathing on her own, which she wouldn't have been able to do for long, because she would've tired out  After waking up from the general anesthesia they wheeled Charlotte's incubator into the recovery room before they transported her to the other hospital.  I could only see her feet.  I reached in and touched her toes....and then she was gone.

I couldn't see Charlotte for 4 more days.  I cried for her constantly.  I was still too ill, and the doctor would not discharge me until the 5th day.  By then Charlotte had to have surgery called a PDA to close a blood valve.  My husband and mom were running ragged between the 2 hospitals bringing me pictures of Charlotte and updating me on her condition, while worrying about my health at the same time. 

On April 29th I was finally reunited with my little Charlotte...although it was a very brief visit.  I was too ill to stay long and needed to get home.  From that day forward I was by my Charlotte's cribside.  I felt guilty when I wasn't with her. To this day I have those regrets of not being by her side as often as I would've liked to have been.

Charlotte had done what all premies would do in their situation.  She would forget to breathe, so the particular ventilator she was on would remind her that she had to breathe and did it for her.  She tired out one night and the pressure became to much for her right lung, and blew a small hole causing her to get her first chest tube inserted.  2 days later in the middle of the night her oxygen level desaturated to a dangerously low level causing manual pumping of oxygen (bagging) by the nurses to resusitate her, in which they did, but it caused a major hole to be blown open in her right lung again causing her lung to collapse completely.  I had arrived to the hospital in the morning to find a larger chest tube protrubing from her right lung.  I began to cry... my poor poor baby.  Why was this happening to her???

After 10 days of dealing with her collapsed lung, her Neonatologist removed the tubes.  A day later there was a fear of NEC, which is an intestinal infection fatal to preemies.  She was taken off of breast milk feedings and given antibiotics for 3 days until the culture came back indicating it was negative.  Feedings began a day later.  Although her lungs were not in that great of shape (she had developed Broncopulmonary Dysplasia ) she was growing quickly and free of infection.  The doctor seemed optimistic of her outlook.  All she needed to do was keep growing, avoid anymore lung collapses, and stay clear of infections.  She looked wonderful.  She was awake, alert and quite playful. That was Friday May 20th....the last day I saw my little girl having a good day.

Saturday May 21st I had gone to visit Charlotte first in the morning and then in the evening, and I had noticed she was having frequent desaturations of oxygen and that the pressure of the ventilator was being elevated.  Something seemed wrong with her.  I went home with a sinking feeling in my heart.  I hoped I was wrong.

Sunday May 22nd.  I wasn't able to see Charlotte until the evening because of a commitment with my stepdaughters.  When my husband and I arrived, Charlotte was very aggitated and had to be sedated.  Her heart rate was above normal and I knew that meant she was in pain.  Charlotte's daytime nurse, Pat mentioned a possibility of pneumonia developing, but the x-rays didn't reveal that.  The doctor didn't order anykind of treatment to begin with, which I found a little strange.  After we had left for the evening during the shift change Charlotte displayed signs of respiratory distress. This time the doctor had ordered new x-rays, but it still wasn't clear what the problem was.

Monday May 23rd my husband and I arrived at the hospital to find Charlotte unattended with her oxygen at only 52%.  She was blue and motionless.  My husband yelled for assistence and her doctor and several nurses quickly ran over to help her.  They bagged  her...she didn't respond much.  They worked on her for 2 hours and she dropped further down to 41% and hovered there for almost 10 hours .  I had requested a priest to come and officially baptize her since I wasn't conscious when the OB nurse did it.  I was preparing her to leave us. Her blood pressure dropped and she was given the medication Dopemin which caused her oxygen level to begin its climb back up.  Her heart rate was a bit high, but she decided to fight with the medication.  We stayed overnight at the hospital.  At 6 am the nurse notified us that her oxygen hit back into the 90's.  All were relieved and had thought she had gotten over the hurdle.

Tuesday, May 24th.  Charlotte was stable in the 80's and 90's all day and evening.  She was still in delicate shape,  and the pressure on the ventilator was very high.  During the night the nurse exclaimed that she had to turn down the oxygen from the ventilator.  We thought she was improving.  

The following morning May 25th, my husband went to work and I went to the hospital.  Before I arrived I had a sick feeling in my stomach.  Upon walking to the NICU I ran into the nurse that had been caring for her that morning, and she informed me that she desaturated dangerously low again and that the staff was working on her.  I ran to the NICU and found a very intense resusitation taking place.  Her doctor, 2 respiratory therapists, and 2 nurses were working on her.  All the other nurses were standing nearby silently attending to the other babies, but watching Charlotte's room with somber expressions.  I knew they thought this was coming to an end.  They all loved Charlotte.  She was their girl too.  They would be disappointed if they weren't assigned to her.  But God put in a wonderful nurse named Shirley who was born to be a NICU nurse.  Her gentle demeanor was comforting thru the worst of this tragic moment.  My husband arrived quickly after I called him to tell him what was happening. He feared the worst as well.

Charlotte stayed again at 40% for hours.  I couldn't imagine her leaving unscathed from this.  I knew she had to be brain damaged or at least somehow handicapped from the lack of oxygen for so long.  Her neonatologist gave us the bad news that the pneumonia had absessed her lung and even if surgery was done she wouldn't survive.   She briefly woke in the early evening and began to cry.  She looked at me as if saying," Mommy I can't do this anymore.  It hurts too much. Please help me, Mommy."  Than she was quickly sedated...given Versed and Morphine.  That was the last time I had seen her eyes open...this was the moment that is freeze-framed in my mind...I just couldn't help her or hold her thru this.  Touching her would cause her to desaturate even more so we were afraid to even do that.  I never felt so helpless and worthless in my life. 

Her blood pressure dropped low again and she was given more Dopemin which caused her heartrate to go up to 227 bpm.  She was risking cardiac arrest at that rate.  She was giving it her final fight. We were exhausted...she wasn't improving.  We had to accept that we were about to lose her. 

At 6:30am May 26th Charlotte Rose Bates returned to God.  I cried out her name.  Oh God no! Oh Charlotte!  They gave me Charlotte's little body already dressed in a little pink dress and cap.  They whisked us to a private room where the hospital pastor and nurses joined us in our sorrow.  Charlotte's nurse from the day before arrived to find her crib empty.  She was crying when she found us.  I was finally able to hold my baby girl.  I kissed her repeatedly and let my tears fall onto her. I held her hand and caressed her.  I cried and cried.  My husband held her briefly and said goodbye to her.  I couldn't give her back to the nurse yet.  I held her for several more hours.  Finally the nurse asked if we would like to dress her.  We bathed her and wrapped her in a fresh new bundle that was so soft.  I didn't want her in a dress...she was just a little baby.  She always liked being bundled up, and that was the way I wanted her buried. 

I held her again for another hour and decided we needed to make arrangements for her burial.  Everything became a blurr after I gave my baby to the nurse to be taken to the hospital morgue.  My Charlotte was gone. Reality set in....

We said our goodbyes to the hospital staff, and the pastor along with Shirley who had provided us with all of Charlotte's momentos.  We would never return the NICU again.

Due to the Memorial Day Weekend we were forced to have the visitation the same evening and bury our baby the next day May 27th at 9am.  A priest conducted the graveside service and than it was over.  So quickly she was out of our sight....the pain has not eased up since.  I miss my little Charlotte and cry for her often.  She was a little miracle, but God had other plans for her and us.  I have my own little angel and saint now in Heaven.  She is there is pray for her mommy and daddy and making sure that we will be reunited together in heaven.  We love her so much and miss her terribly. We will always hold in our hearts the times she smiled at us, and the moments she would grip our fingers with her strong little hands. She taught us how fragile life really is, and yet how brave these little ones really are.  She showed us the meaning of the word love.  She endured so much suffering, but she fought on until her little 2 1/2 lb. body didn't have the reserve to continue. God saw that she had had enough.  She's home now.  She was a true child of God....She was His all along.

We know that you are in Jesus's arms, little Charlotte.  WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!